The 4 words that show no - or low - empathy

We know that empathy is a key way to build connections with people, deepen a conversation and strengthen trust. But I wonder ...do we too often confuse similarity for empathy?

When someone shares a story or situation with you, and you’ve experienced it too, what do you say?

We can too often rush in to sharing our story, our experience and our situation...because it’s happened to us too! Sharing similarities, finding common ground - sure, yes it builds rapport, connection. But don’t kill the opportunity for deeper connection and empathy in the rush to say your bit.

These four words can kill empathy dead :

Been There Done That.

If you think it helps people feel better that you’ve done it too... pause...because it may not. That’s because it’s not validating their story or their situation they’ve just shared. It’s switched the focus to you.

Empathy is not about being better, bigger, quicker, cleverer, the ‘winner’ or having done it or experienced it before them. Quieten down. Listen. Respond to what they’re saying without making it about you.

Do you trust yourself?

In this era of swift delivery to market, rapid change and mega transformations, how do we respond in ways that build TRUST in a team, unit, project or enterprise? At the heart of trust is you, me, us.

The question I think of in building trust is “Do you trust yourself?” Do you trust your ideas, your intuition, your actions, your capabilities?

I’ll be speaking at hashtag#ITARC19 in Stockholm in May 2019; it's the 12th year of Sweden’s largest conference for IT architects. This year, the theme of the conference is ’trust’.

Over 2 days, we will look at trust from different angles: a day of conference; then a day of in-depth workshops. My keynote on Day 1 will be ‘Do you trust yourself?’ Then I’ll deliver a workshop on Day 2 on ‘Cognitive Load Coping' - how to handle all of the information that flows to us and around us, how to cope with and counter information overload or that feeling of information overwhelm.

So what are your thoughts: Do you trust yourself? 

Match the work to the meaning and the meaning to the work

Match the work to the meaning and the meaning to the work.

1. A leader presented the team with a 'roadmap' of what was ahead. It was a spreadsheet table full of words.

2. A manager discussed the need for a team member to 'step up' and showed them a page with specific details. It was boxes of text going across the page.

3. A sales team leader presented at the annual conference and inspired the team to 'lift' their performance. They showed a list of dot points going down the screen.

Our language -- and our work -- are rich in metaphors. If you're speaking in them, then why not show them? 👉🏽 Show... a roadmap -- or at least a road! :-)

👉 Show a series of steps that rise, diagonally up the page.

👉🏾 Show information that lifts up from the current level of performance.

Help people make sense of what you're saying and communicating by matching the work to the meaning and the meaning to the work. 

Bad systems beat good people

'A bad system will beat a good person every time' - so said W. Edwards Deming. 

You've got some great people in your team, on your project, in that meeting, attending the workshop. You really have. Great people.  

The thing is... the system - whatever system is at play in the project, meeting, workshop -often isn't working to support those great people. It may well be stifling them, stopping them, slowing them down or just slowly breaking their spirit, enthusiasm and sense that they can achieve something. 

Let those great people give the great ideas, suggestions, hunches, hopes and insights they have. Create a system that leverages the people and doesn't limit them. 

When you plan your next meeting, workshop, session, project, what systems will support the people to bring their greatness? That's the stuff to fix. Don't blame the people. Remedy the system or structure that's inhibiting them, hindering them or keeping them from doing their best. 

This is the era of ease

This is the era of ease.

The world of work has changed. If you're a leader, you need to be more collaborative, able to help a group of individuals play to their strengths and get great work done.

You need to be able to make the workplace safe for them to be themselves. And to be able to bring them together, to remove barriers, roadblocks and obstacles to their progress - not create them.

This is a bigger role than just you and your title, your package, ego or status. You'll need to bring empathy, great listening skills, clever questioning capabilities and the ability to chill the %$#& out - to stop being so driven, anxious and intense.

'Facilitation' means ease, to make easier. Today's world of work needs you to be a leader who makes things easier. That's making progress, meetings, problem-solving, conversations, influence, starting and finishing things - all easier.

Help make it all easier. This is the era of ease.