Hidden experience is a huge cause of productivity loss

This week I’m writing about experience people have that you might be ignoring. A barrier to hearing people’s experience is often the leader’s resistance to it.

- Why wouldn’t you want to know about expertise that exists in your team?

- Why wouldn't you want to know this information?

- Why wouldn’t you want to hear it?

‘Why don’t people listen?’ author, Hugh Mackay says we don’t want to listen due to the fear that what we hear will change us.

Australian Olympic athlete Cathy Freeman says 'when I'm in a bad mood, I don't listen.'

Oscar Trimboli, author of ‘Deep Listening' says by not listening ’the same issues keep occurring therefore people are blamed.’ Excuses like: No time Too much to do Too hard Too many people to get through ...are excuses with simple answers.

It takes effort and empathy to pay attention to people, especially when they're sharing their story, and it’s not about you. New ways of working require us to change what we do so we can make progress through these tricky times. To listen and learn from others is a key part of this. And for many people this indeed is a 'new way of working'. 

The 4 words that show no - or low - empathy

We know that empathy is a key way to build connections with people, deepen a conversation and strengthen trust. But I wonder ...do we too often confuse similarity for empathy?

When someone shares a story or situation with you, and you’ve experienced it too, what do you say?

We can too often rush in to sharing our story, our experience and our situation...because it’s happened to us too! Sharing similarities, finding common ground - sure, yes it builds rapport, connection. But don’t kill the opportunity for deeper connection and empathy in the rush to say your bit.

These four words can kill empathy dead :

Been There Done That.

If you think it helps people feel better that you’ve done it too... pause...because it may not. That’s because it’s not validating their story or their situation they’ve just shared. It’s switched the focus to you.

Empathy is not about being better, bigger, quicker, cleverer, the ‘winner’ or having done it or experienced it before them. Quieten down. Listen. Respond to what they’re saying without making it about you.

How to get people to speak up, wrap up and shut up

In these days of collaboration and co-design, working together and aligning the team… this is an ongoing challenge for people leading teams, groups and running meetings and workshops.

How to get people to speak up, wrap up and shut up.

Here’s what I mean...

When I’m running training on facilitation skills - to help leaders become better facilitators of their people and teams - these three things often crop up as a challenge of being a leader of a team:

• Speak Up: how do you get people to speak up, to contribute, to be engaged, to speak out and to share the ideas they have
• Wrap Up: how do you get people to wrap up, to summarise succinctly what their thinking is, what their views and opinions are and to get to the point rather than rambling
• Shut Up: how do you get people to shut up, to conclude - once they’ve delivered their contribution, we’d often like them to pause and let others speak, or better still, stop and listen to other contributions from around the room. How do you get them to stop talking!?

Speak up. Wrap up. Shut up. 

Hmmmm, it sounds a bit harsh really. 

It’s harsh because we’re making it about ‘them’. We went them to speak up. We want them to wrap up. We want them to shut up.

If we’re a leader, what can WE do about it?

It’s not about them because:

It’s hard to speak up if you don’t feel like you’ll be listened to or you have been interrupted often. It feels like no one will listen to you if you do speak up anyway.

It’s hard to wrap up if you’re a person who needs to speak to think or says things like 'I’m thinking out loud here’ or you need to talk a bit to work out what you’re actually thinking about. 

And then it's hard to shut up if people aren’t getting your message or they need you to keep explaining it or they didn’t listen to you the first time around and so you’re having another go trying to get your message to land. 

So while it looks on the surface that if everyone would just speak up, wrap up and then shut up the world would be a wonderful place… there’s more going on here folks. 

Speak Up

How does a leader facilitating a meeting and leading a team help make the environment great so people feel comfortable speaking up? How are they giving people the opportunity, the time, the space and the ears of the room to deliver their contribution? Most of us have been interrupted by an eager contributor or cut off by someone with a supposedly better idea. I think a Leader as Facilitator helps hold the interrupter at bay and allows the person currently speaking to finish their thing; giving them the space to get their views out there.

It's not just on THEM to speak up; it’s on you as the leader, as the facilitator of the team to make the environment right for people to want to speak up. 

Wrap Up

If someone is going on and on and on and not getting to the point, they may need some help articulating their thinking. If you’re a think as you speak person you have what I call a ‘talk track’ ; you need to talk to work out what you think. Maybe your idea is still evolving. In this case you need a Leader as Facilitator who will listen, prompt with clarifying questions or capture your key points so everyone else can see and hear what you mean. You don’t want to be pushed to hurry up and finish - especially if your thinking is still evolving. Maybe you haven’t got to your point yet. To be asked to ‘wrap up’ is pushy.

It’s not on THEM to wrap up; it’s on you as the Leader as Facilitator to help people articulate what it is they think; to question, probe, clarify and elicit the information out of them. 

Shut Up

Then once someone is speaking or is contributing their ideas and view, how do we make sure they are heard and understood? Because once they are, they will take a break, they will stop. I think we keep talking or keep trying to raise the same point if we feel no one has listened or really let us know that, yes they have heard us. 

Please don’t think you need to ‘shut someone down’. It sounds a bit violent and it’s pervasive in workplaces. Usually, they haven’t had the opportunity to speak. That is, a 'protected' opportunity to speak, protected from interruption or judgement. Nor have they been heard by the leader or facilitator of the meeting or the team.

Back off, ease off and let go. Don’t rush to get people to speak up, wind up or shut up.

Think and work as a facilitator. Adopt the capabilities of a Leader as Facilitator to create a great environment:

1. Give people time to warm up and contribute 
2. Give people opportunities that are creative to contribute
3. Then when they speak, help them articulate their thinking : support them, question them or invite them to share more so you can help everyone understand what they’re saying.

The environment will be better, you’ll get more done because you’re all able to hear one another. Today’s collaborative, creative and consultative workplaces require it. 

It's time to clean up our language

Listening to people talking is something we do every day; listening in workshops, in planning sessions, in meetings, conversations and learning environments.

I don't know about you, but I hear lots of 'dirty' language! Ok, not swearing, but rather let's call it 'unclean language'. 

This is language where people interrupt, make assumptions, give directions, tell people what to do and dish out prescriptions. Yes... how much do you enjoy being told what to do? Often we may not intend to be so ... dirty... with our language, so it's something to be aware of. 

We really do need to clean up our language!

Clean language has the capacity to break down silos, build trusting environments, boost our capabilities to think, evolve our ideas and deepen engagement. It's an approach identified and developed by New Zealander David Grove. More leaders, coaches, managers and drivers of change might like the idea of achieving those things.

You can read more about the technicalities of clean language here and here but a session presented at a conference I was at recently reminded me of the power of this clean listening and communication tool.

In short, here's how you keep it clean:

• listen using the person's words
• use 'and...' to kick off your sentence or question
• ask 3 key clean questions (where x is a word they've mentioned/used)
  • And what kind of x is that x?
  • And is there anything else about x?
  • And that's x like what ?
• stick to these three questions
• slow down.

You can get the essence of the session from my visual notes.

So... how 'clean' are you? How clean are the others on your team? 

Boost engagement, build trust and break down silos in these challenging times by cleaning things up.

Press pause - check you're talkin' about the right thing

Ooo eeee! Sometimes I think these sorts of behaviours are long gone but I was in a meeting today and three colleagues all spoke over the top of each other... for several seconds. It felt awkward, rude and just... well, wrong!

I was taking a project brief in this meeting. My job = listening. But I had to step in and play facilitator, to make sure I got to hear what each of them were saying. 

Sounds so basic, so simple. One person speaking at a time. But no. 

Three people trying to get 'air time' at the one time so I literally hit the 'pause' button. 

I said 'Let's pause a moment and hear what each of you need to add to this brief'.

I pressed 'play' for each of them so we got to hear one 'track' at a time. Two of them had relevant content and thoughts and information. The third had great stuff too, but so unrelated to what we were doing there.

I step in and play facilitator again and say 'How does this content relate directly to the project and the brief today?'

She says 'Well actually it doesn't. Sorry about that.'

I'm happy to play traffic cop, air traffic controller, DJ or director - whatever metaphorical role you like - in a meeting and conversation - but if you're going to speak over someone... well, just don't.

Wait until there's a break in the music and then start your track.